Welcome to the first of many chronic illness confessions of one particular gamer! These posts contain my unfiltered opinions on my illness. You’ve been warned.
I feel like I have to constantly convince everyone, including myself, that my illness and pain are real.
I have a 9/10 pain 24/7. You would think the use of numerics would make it simple to understand, but no. Those numbers are so easily twisted by outsiders who think they know my situation better.
If I sleep more than everyone else or when my pain is high, I’m perceived as being lazy. But if I manage to go out and do something, then people think I’m better or, my personal favorite, I’m faking. This all culminates to that high number being considered an exaggeration.
This compels me to explain what “good” and bad days are and what they mean specifically for me. And sometimes even that isn’t enough. Because talking about it and “raising awareness” means I’m seeking attention. At the same time I am expected to talk about it, otherwise I am not doing everything for my illness by suppressing it. And when I do, it can only be positive and “inspirational”, to only showcase how I am happy in spite of everything.
Can you see why having a chronic illness is so frustrating?
It amazes me that no matter how many strides we make with breaking the stigma surrounding depression, it’s still expected that you hide it, which only makes it worse. You can’t acknowledge someone having depression and make them pretend they are fine.
I am frustrated by the expectations. I am sad for all the meaningful things I have had to give up. I am depressed because I am no longer the person I used to be. I am annoyed that I don’t remember what it’s like to not have pain. Most importantly, I am angry at my illness.
And it’s okay that I feel this way sometimes. It’s okay for me to express it and talk about it. Because even if people don’t understand it, or even if I don’t fully understand it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s my reality. It’s a part of who I am. And I am doing everything I can for it. Even if it only changes a small percentage, it’s progress I didn’t have before.
It doesn’t matter what you think you see me doing or not doing, what you think is best for me or not. I am doing all I can to heal my mind and body. I am trying to push my limitations while also listening to what my body needs.
I am doing the best I can. So, why do you expect more?
Gamerprincess92 
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